First and foremost, Happy Father’s Day to all the Dads out there doing their best for their families!
“Do not outrun your family… My family writes my final evaluation… After the military, it’s my family that will be there for me…” ~ non-attribution
The aforementioned statements were made by service members I’ve known during moments of reflection throughout there military careers. Sacrificing time with the family is also the plight of ambitious professionals in the civilian sector as well, but how does one manage the demands of the organization with quality time with the ones you love? If it was an easy answer, counseling and coaching services would cease to exist, but there are a few techniques my wife and I took to achieve a more fulfilling quality of life in both arenas.
Framing the Problem
The funny thing about time is it never stops. There are only 24 hours in a day, not matter what demands you place on yourself, and all of us only have one life to live. To better manage your obligations versus your joyful moments, it’s necessary for you and your family to have situational understanding of what your familial goals are to better understand which life events should be prioritized over the others.
Is this mental puzzle starting to make your head hurt? I know mine does when my wife and I try to plan out our futures together with my career progression in the military, her ambitions to prepare for the Law School Admissions Test, and ensuring our children are receiving attention from both their parents. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you can’t have it all, and it’s up to you and your loved ones to determine what ambitions are the must haves.
Throughout my military career, I’ve deployed five times in 16 years. I’ve been a parent for the last three deployments, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t put an immense strain on my family. The stressors did not come solely from my service, but from my wife, Claudia’s service as well. She served as a military Family Medicine Physician for seven year and was on active duty when both of our children were born. Our success thus far has not come from our efforts alone, but from admitting we had a problem communicating and seeking help to improve those skills. We had to improve our shared understanding of each others professional demands and agree upon what our family responsibilities were going to be to ensure the well-being of our children was prioritized above all else.
Guiding Teams
When you and your significant other are service members and parents, you do not have the luxury to do everything yourselves. Family is a blessing, but another critical lifeline we’ve established was with a family therapist. Thank you Military One Source for affording this service to us free of charge. My wife and I have been going to marriage counseling for nearly a decade if you subtract the years I’ve been deployed overseas and it’s been an invaluable resource which has truly raised the quality of life for our family and one another.
Whenever smart and well-intentioned people avoid confronting obstacles, they dis-empower employees and undermine change.” ~ John Kotter
A marriage is more than just a romantic union between two individuals. It’s also a contractual agreement between the two who commit their resources to the betterment of their family. It may seem callous to compare a marriage to a business transaction, but if we don’t make that mental correlation we are doomed to make the majority of decisions that affect our loved ones on emotion alone. Emotions make us human, but it takes a village sometimes to save us from ourselves, and remind us that we are not being filmed in front of a live studio audience. In other words, winning the argument and gaining the upper hand in a marriage is meaningless. Everything must be beneficial to the family as a whole, or it’s not worth having.
Betterment of Self
The demands of the day-to-day can take its toll on the psyche, and unfortunately there is little time to get away from these stressors. However, it’s extremely important to build outlets into the daily battle rhythm for you and your spouse. What does this look like? For me, Brazilian Jiu-jitsu has been a great way for me to work off the mental strains and has made me the best version of myself for my family. If you and your family can find release in the same hobby, it’s even better, but there needs to be an outlet for each of you nonetheless.
With the full support of my family I’ve been able to train and progress the the art of jiu-jitsu since 2014. It’s not without its cost, however, but the benefits, both mental and physical, far outweigh the bumps and bruises I’ve incurred throughout my journey. In this circumstance, one of my several mid-life crises became a lifetime blessing. Not only for the individual growth, but for that of the network of amazing people I’ve come to train with and call family over the years as well. The phrase – a bond forged through battle, holds true in combat sports. I never thought I’d be so happy to see someone who nearly broke my arm the day prior until I started training jiu-jitsu. The best part about this journey is having my wife and kids walk alongside me on their own paths learning the Arte Suave.
Paying It Forward
It’s my duty as a father, husband, and military professional to continue to maximize my potential personally and professionally. It’s not for monetary gain, to accrue power, or to gain fame, but to ensure my children, wife, and team has the best of me. I owe it to my parents to show their sacrifices resulted in my success, and to show my children that if you work hard and lead with your heart, there is nothing they can’t achieve. If you are not willing to work and fight for the betterment of your family and to achieve your goals, no one else will be able to help you get their.
I’ve had a blessed life! I choose to live everyday working to be the best me I can be, for the ones I love. Joe Rogan once said, “Live your life like you’re the hero in your own movie.” I’ll settle for being the hero to my wife and kids. The legacy I want to leave them is this: chase your dreams; express yourself; and do not fear the unknown because those are the experiences that will shape your character and be the most memorable. I wish the best to everyone out there putting in work and getting after it to chase their own dreams. The only one standing in your way is looking at you in the mirror, best of luck to you… one team, one family!
References:
Kotter, John P. Leading Change. Boston, MA: Harvard Business Review Press, 2012.
Medrut, Flavia, By, -, Flavia MedrutFlavia Medrut is a freelance writer, and Flavia Medrut is a freelance writer. “18 Incredible Joe Rogan Quotes to Help You Stay Motivated.” Goalcast, November 1, 2019. https://www.goalcast.com/2018/12/04/18-joe-rogan-quotes/.