A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials.” ~Seneca
In 2020 COVID-19 gained legitimacy as a global pandemic and changed life as we knew it. This reflection is in no means designed to compare the friction in our lives with those who have lost family and loved ones during the height of the pandemic, our thoughts and condolences will always be with them. However, this reflection is designed to substantiate hasty planning efforts made to get our daughter baptized at the first available opportunity. We had the most amazing destination baptism planned for our daughter scheduled for July 2020. Everyone was invited and we locked in an all inclusive resort for the event. Then the realities of the “New Normal” came to fruition.
January 2023 was an amazing month for Team Clas. Brianna was finally baptized, Dominic competed in his first Jiu-jitsu tournament, Claudia was able to get one of our properties cleared out and market ready, and I also learned a lot by competing at the North American Grappling Championship in Greensboro, N.C. The memories keep flowing in and we are more than making up for our time in lockdown, quarantine, and navigating through the myriad of mask and testing requirements to go from point A to point B. We have been through the gauntlet, learning the way things are done in different countries during a pandemic, but we have come out the experience better and stronger than we were before all the craziness began.
Planning for Brianna’s baptism has been a daunting task. Scheduling conflicts, overseas travel restrictions, and finding a venue beneficial to all parties have been some of the prominent challenges we’ve had to overcome, but when there is a will there is a way. During our last trip home for Christmas, we decided collectively to stop postponing the inevitable and just go through with the event at earliest opportunity. After working with the Catholic Community after the new year, we were finally able to put together a feasible plan.
Claudia and I attended the parents baptism class in the beginning of the month and learned we would have an opportunity to have Brianna baptized on the third Sunday of the month. This date was convenient for all of us, but we had to move fast to meet the application requirements. Fortunately, the date was during the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday, which allowed Brianna’s cousins to join us for the ceremony. The biggest hurdle rested on the godparents’ ability to get their Good-standing Letters from their perspective catholic church and provide that to the Saint Michael the Archangel Catholic Community administrative office in advance of the baptism. A challenge, yes, but Rocio and Albert both were able to get the letters turned in on time. The end result was an amazing weekend with family finally knocking the devil-tail off of Brianna, and enlisting her as a Soldier of God.
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~Viktor Frankl
Pick your Battles
During all the turmoil of getting Brianna’s baptism scheduled, I also had a Jiu-jitsu tournament coming up on Jan. 14, the day prior to her baptism. I’m a gluten for punishment, so I continued on with tournament, nonetheless. Our family arrived late Friday evening, the same day as the weigh-in for the tournament. Unfortunately, I had to step away from the reunion activities on Saturday and head up to Greensboro for the competition. I am always the best competitor I can be when I step out on those mats, and I would never take anything away from my opponent who is no doubt also working through the rigors of life to get out there and do his best by making excuses for why I was outmatched those days. With that being said, I had an awesome time being able to get my 40-year-old self out there and mix it up with a like-minded competitor. Win or learn, I’m still in the game.
The one superpower I have in this world is my resilience. I’m not afraid to lose, I do love to win, but that euphoria is a flash in the pan and doesn’t change much for me in terms of keeping up with my training. I am more afraid of missed opportunities and letting the multiple reasons to not do something take me out of the fight, more than anything else. I will admit, the collateral goodness of taking my beatings in competition has resulted in Dominic starting to get the itch to compete as well.
One evening, early January, Dominic asked me if he could compete shortly after I returned from work. I asked him why? He replied, “I’ve been doing Jiu-jitsu for three years!”, as if he was behind the power curve. My only concern is I do not want to pressure my son to do something he does not want to do, even if I am dying to be in his corner coaching him through the match. Claudia and I agreed the kids will compete when they decide to do so. I will not live my glory days through my children, but will always be in their corner when they’re in the game. That’s my mantra and commitment as their father. Unfortunately, Claudia had to take a trip to Chicago to get one of our properties ready for the market and missed the tournament, but she tuned in virtually at every step of the match.
I was overjoyed with Dominic’s willingness to put himself out there. I got him registered in our academy’s local tournament, scheduled for Jan. 21. Dominic was excited and ready to step out on the mats and do his best. My son had to do a “best of three” format against a female competitor. He was not the champion that day, but his demeanor and fearlessness truly impressed me. I tell my children every loss is just a small investment toward future glory. My son left that day with his head held high and asked me when the next tournament would be? I can’t wait to see him go through this journey. I am truly proud to be the father of these two amazing kids. It’s simple, but not easy to fit this dad role and it doesn’t come without humbling moments.
A very great vision is needed, and the man who has it must follow it as the eagle seeks the deepest blue of the sky.” ~Crazy Horse
Wartribe Mentality
The aforementioned quote is from the famous Oglala Lakota warrior, Crazy Horse. He led the Lakota tribe during the battle of Little Big Horn against Custer’s U.S. Seventh Battalion in 1876. I bring this knowledge into this reflection because I struggle as a father with the nature vs. nurture construct. Crazy Horse described his relationship with his father and other male tribal elders as task-oriented. In other words, the children of the tribe spent most of their time with the mother and other females until they were old enough to learn how to ride and go on a hunt. In no way am I comparing my upbringing to that model directly, however, there are some similarities that leap out at me, especially during times of friction.
Claudia and I choose not to use physical punishment as a means of disciplining our children. They know this to be true and have even acknowledged the difference in their upbringing compared to that of their parents. You may be asking yourself at this point, why is this significant? My purpose for bringing this up is because I have had difficulty picking my kids up after they’ve been hurt, comforting them when they are struggling to understand something and are throwing tantrums, and pushing them away when they pushed the envelope too far. I threw a huge mantrum a couple of weeks ago because the lines between horse play and exercising my parental authority were blurred. I felt very guilty for the how I reacted in that situation, cold shouldering my son because of his confusion and intense emotion in the situation.
Prior to having kids, my father gave me a piece of important advice I will always remember, “Do not make your kids fear you.” This advice seems simple enough, but when all of life’s stressors are in harmony, keeping your cool is a very large undertaking.
After a recent marriage counseling session, our therapist told us the way we raise our kids will impact the way our kids approach parenting their own kids down the road. Now I ask myself the question, what experience do I want my grand-babies to have? Fully knowing my actions are developing the parental mental map of my children. The beauty about being human is we are always learning. Every experience gives us positive and/or negative lessons to learn from; and in some cases our own imperfections may be just what others need to see to help change their own behavior. I hope this helps someone out there questioning his own choices while in the parental grind. Until next reflection … One Team, One Family! ~Doc