You watch your child go off to school for the first time and the flashbacks of the harsh realities you faced growing up hits you like a overwhelming rush of sobriety. If you were said bully, you hope Karma doesn’t take the sins of the parent out on your child; and if you were the bullied, you hope your child is stronger than you were to get through the trials yet to come. In the end, you’re standing by for whatever moral support, or disciplinary action you may have to administer to ensure your child is a credit to their social circle. Welcome to the human condition.
(The Human Condition explains) why certain people are viscious and wicked, whereas others are reasonably good, or even virtuous; and further, why both the good and the wicked people are considerably outnumbered by those are neither good nor wicked, but who sometimes do the proper thing and sometimes the improper thing.” ~Heller
Heller, Agnes. “The Human Condition.” Thesis Eleven, vol. 16, no. 1, Feb. 1987, 16, pp. 4–21
My family and I are now in our sixth month living abroad in Germany. COVID-19 has restrictive many social events to include child youth activities designed develop social skills and increase confidence and self-discipline. In the name of safety our children are limited to socializing with the few neighborhood kids in our neighborhood near their ages. However, not all children have the same personalities and strong characters often take the leadership role of the pack, which sometimes results in someone being bullied in some way shape or form without adult supervision.
One day, I peaked out to check up on Dominic and Brianna who were in the backyard playing with the neighbors kids. Mind you, I have no shame in admitting that I am the definition of a helicopter parent. To my surprise, one of the boys was wrestling with Dominic and taking him down to the ground with ease. Now, one thing I am certain of, is my kids know how to grapple, so I let this situation play out. The backyard brawl continued for a few more minutes and it was time for the kids to come inside because it was getting late.
Once Dominic came inside the house, we had a talk and I asked him why he let his friend take him down like that, I was concerned my son didn’t know he could defend himself or scared to do so. He told me that he let his friend win because if he didn’t, the boy would be sad and go inside. In short he wouldn’t have anyone to play with. At that moment, I understood how important in-class school and activities were to our youth. My son would rather play with someone and be a punching bag instead of defending himself and playing by himself. Claudia, his mother, and I knew we had some work to do.
Claudia and I read a number of articles on the subject and pulled from what we could to structure their class. Now for the sports-minded individuals out their abuse can be understood by the acronym ESPN. According to “Initial Reliability and Validity of a New Retrospective Measure of Child Abuse and Neglect” by Bernstein, et al, abuse often falls under the following categories: Emotional, Sexual, Physical, and Emotional. The trick is to increase awareness in your children about abuse while preserving their faith in humanity.
The hallmark of coaching with compassion is the focus on invoking the Ideal Self to initiate and guide the change process. The Ideal Self is the individual’s vision of who he or she wants to be and includes his or her goals, values, and deepest aspirations for the individual’s future.” ~Boyatzis et al.
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/259290914_Coaching_With_Compassion
During our Kids Jiu-jitsu class session, one of the strategies we focused on was anti-bullying techniques. In our approach we understood that matters of the heart are not in black and white, and trying to simply restrict our kids from playing with the neighbors was not a feasible course of action. Kids will become best friends and enemies several times by the time the day ends at times. It’s a “Stockholm Syndrome” on steroids in our youth and the only way to combat it is to make them understand their self-worth. Also, it is unfair to paint the scarlet letter of bully on someone in Kindergarten, so empathy served as the theoretical framework of our lessons.
Building self-confidence and self-discipline is a part of every coaches curriculum. Why would coaching our own children be any different? It’s not, and in our subsequent lessons we continued to focus on tactics used to build self-confidence during times of adversity. We found some helpful techniques from and article on Parents.com, “How to Deal with Bullies: A Guide for Parents,” and role-played during our training sessions. We explained to our kids that you should never expect to be mistreated; to not let anyone make you feel bad; to confront the bully by looking them into the eyes and telling them to not treat them badly or they will leave and tell a grown-up; and if the bully puts their hands on them to take them down, gain a dominant position, and call out for help.
The better your child feels about himself, the less likely the bullying will affect his self-esteem. Encourage hobbies, extracurricular activities, and social situations that bring out the best in your child.” Collno et al.
https://www.parents.com/kids/problems/bullying/bully-proof-your-child-how-to-deal-with-bullies/
Long story short, the parents of the boy who wasn’t playing nicely with our kids acknowledged the poor behavior and took appropriate disciplinary action to stop it from recurring. Dominic and Brianna better understand the dynamics and their self-worth, and if their play time is less than cordial they return to the house and go about their days, but do not hesitate to share their tales with mom and dad. Our family’s mission statement is simple: we will live a values-based lifestyle to be positive contributions to society and do our part in making the world a better place for generations to come. Be kind to each other my friends. One team, one family! ~Doc
