So, concerning the things we pursue, and for which we vigorously exert ourselves, we owe this consideration — either there is nothing useful in them, or most aren’t useful. Some of them are superfluous, while others aren’t worth that much. But we don’t discern this and see them as free, when they cost us dearly.” ~Seneca, “Moral Letters”, 42.6, as cited in the “Daily Stoic”
April is the Month of the Military Child. This is prominent in my household because it reminds me that my children, although were not able to choose to be a part of a military family, have also made sacrifices in the name of service to their country. It is also birthday season for the Clas Clan. Dominic, just turned seven at the end of March and Brianna will celebrate her fifth birthday at the end of this month. Watching these two grow has been a privilege, a privilege with a number of challenges, but a privilege nonetheless.
The lesson learned which influenced this reflection is understanding the most important things in this world cannot be bought. I had such an appetite for material things to acquire to advertise my success in this world, but it wasn’t until I became a father did I truly understand material items were hollow in comparison to quality time spent with my family.
Background
Claudia and I were married just after we finished undergrad and I began my military career. We both had goals which we agreed we would accomplish before we became parents. Our mutual understanding was it would be irresponsible to bring kids into the world if we couldn’t even guarantee we would be geographically located.
I received assignment instructions to Germany, with a deployment to Iraq shortly after I arrived, and Claudia was on her way to medical school. Our ambitions didn’t stop their either, Claudia was to become a military provider and I was working through civilian and professional military education opportunities as well. A short ten years of matrimony later we welcomed Dominic into the world, and the party was just getting started. I deployed three more times since Dominic was born and I even had to go on emergency paternity leave to make it back in time to catch Brianna on her way out. Being a father, husband, and service member is a challenge, but it has given me the wisdom to understand what’s truly important in life.
A hungry stomach, an empty wallet and a broken heart can teach you the best lessons of life.” ~Robin Williams
Ambition
Do not mistake my expression for passivity, or settling for anything less than being your best self. I just finished the book, Talent is Overrated, by Geoff Colvin and it helped me realize many high-performing individuals do not make it to the top because they are driven by material gains, but because they would be doing what they loved even if they were broke as dirt. The thesis of the author is that anyone who is nurtured with the right instruction and shares the passion of the trade they wish to master can achieve greatness. Colvin’s research counters the Divine Artist theory which suggests talent and natural abilities are the sole purpose professional athletes and top tier artists have achieved their success.
I recall my high-school wrestling coach telling me, “practice doesn’t make perfect, perfect practice makes perfect,” Coach Tom “Gaugs” Gauger. This advice fell on deaf ears for this ungrateful teenager who just wanted to get home to turn on the TV and play video games, but after all these years it finally resonated. The model Coach Gaugs was referencing was the concept of Deliberate Practice.
The Deliberate Practice approach is the process which separates the novice from the professional. Simple in explanation, hard to formalize in routine practice, athletes and artists who use this approach focus on their weaknesses until they become their strengths. It’s practice in isolation, to find the one step missed, or the flaw in your game. However, the commitment to this method can mean thousands of hours focused on nothing more than one technique or process. It’s exhausting just to think about, but it’s important to note many of the most revered athletes and artists have been using this approach since they were children.
Expectations vs. Reality
Here is where I learned to find balance between pushing the limits and reading the room. My kids have been on the mats since they were three, now almost five and seven, Dominic and Brianna have both expressed frustration and joy during our family practice sessions. Anyone who approaches me with curiosity on how to get their little ones started in jiu-jitsu will hear the same thing from me. Success at a young age should be as simple as getting your little one on the mats in the proper uniform, the rest is icing on the cake. That being said, my experience is limited to training my kids and advising friends and family on occasion on some best practices I use to keep it fun.
For there are two rules to keep at the ready — that there is nothing good or bad outside my own reasoned choice, and that we shouldn’t try to lead events but to follow them.” ~Epictetus, “Discourses”, 3.10.18, as cited in the “Daily Stoic”
The path to mastery has to be an intrinsic choice. When Dominic was four and past the honeymoon phase of training jiu-jitsu one of the coaches told me Dominic was losing focus during class, not uncommon, but for a parent who had Abu Dhabi Combat Club World Championships on the agenda it was a considerable concern. He also informed me that it was common and not to worry too much about it moving forward. I was determined to solve this problem.
I started taking Dominic to the gym for father-son private sessions on Sundays. The first few sessions were rough to say the least. I could’ve been a red belt wrapped in corral head and wrist bands and this little brawler wouldn’t have gave an inch. If I told him to do a hip escape, he would reply, No! Even expressing the importance of discipline and mastery went over like a lead balloon.
During my next practice session I asked the same coach for advice. He told me I wasn’t the only one who struggled to teach the Baby Buddhas, and quite a few coaches had anxiety before those classes began. He also informed me that the measure of success shouldn’t be centered around how many techniques were performed to standard, but by the quality of the time spent with one another.
A family that trains together thrives together. I use those same principals training Dominic and Brianna now that I learned during those crucible training sessions, and my kids continue to work through each session learning a little bit more about the gentle art each time. Roll easy my friends. One team, one family! ~Doc