Throw out your conceited opinions, for it is impossible for a person to begin to learn what he thinks he already knows.” ~Epictetus, Discourse, as cited in The Daily Stoic
Expectation Management
It was a typical Sunday and I woke up excited to coach my kids for their regularly scheduled Brazilian Jiu-jitsu class. This day, however, was set to be more special because I was going to administer a test for promotion to their next stripes. I felt the glory of a success coursing through my veins. I did not anticipate what I was in for during this session.
We bowed in for class and I immediately changed our routine to exam mode. I didn’t think twice about changing the format and really didn’t think my kids would be thrown off the way they were because I moved their cheese, so they say.
Full disclosure, my kids are five and seven-years old. They have the collective attention span of gnats, but when the environment is perfect and predictable, they work extremely hard. During this specific practice, however, the conditions were not perfect and the kids had a full day of events planned after their jiu-jitsu class was over. Expecting your little ones to prioritize martial arts over water play or a trip to the zoo is a bridge too far. This compounded with removing all of the fun games you incorporate into warm-ups in lieu of a formal test was ultimately the last straw. Long story short, we failed as a family and no one received stripes on Sunday.
Success through Failure
It took a lot for me to collect myself after the significantly emotional training session I experienced with my kids. My wife, Claudia, was extremely supportive throughout and offered some sound feedback.
“They are just not ready, and that’s okay. We should still finish the class and revisit the test when they are ready. They are not on a timeline,” said Claudia.
She was right, the only one who had my kids on a timeline was me. The ambition for my kids to be champion jiujiteiros is my own, and it will not come to fruition until they are the owners of that ambition. The one common trait common to all world-class performers is the passion to compete at the highest levels. All I can do at this stage in their development is expose them to as many activities possible and see which one takes.
That development is going to happens … it’s going to happen outside of the sport and then when we get into the teenage years where the body is starting to mature, now we can start narrowing the focus and really start focusing on that one sport…” ~Coach Dan Brown, S&C Coach
Retrain, Re-test
The greatest take away from my latest foil as a coach and father is the understanding that I have a lot of work to do on my approach and that I truly love coaching my children on the mats. Before any promotion I award my kids I reach back to Professor Mando Rosales Jr., my coach and mentor, to gain permission. I followed suit and did this the day before and he gave me the thumbs up to proceed. This was also a consideration for my own ego going into administering the exam for Dominic and Brianna.
In the aftermath I informed Professor Mando that I had to post-pone the promotion imagery to share with our teammates back home. I told him we weren’t there yet and we had one heck of a day as a family. However, the greatest takeaway I had was how much I was looking forward to re-working my approach and getting back on the mats with my kids. I have to re-learn my audience and find an approach that will compel my kids to excel rather than revolt during class. Challenge accepted … and I know I can get through to these little leaders of tomorrow because I see myself in all of their outrage and defiance. It’s like a karmic dance I have to learn to lead.
Take a step back, detach from your emotional reaction, find out what is really going on, and then make calm, logical decisions based on the reality of the situation.” ~Jocko Willink, Leadership Strategy and Tactics, p. 118
After serving more than 18 years in the military I have learned a few things to hold true. One of those lessons is performance is a reflection of leadership. You succeed and fail as a team, but it’s the leader who owns the shortcoming. It’s not always the end of the road with the right intentions, but it’s how you learn from the failure which builds character.
I took our last training session to heart. I know the mark was missed because I have a lot to learn as a coach, a parent, and as a human being. This emotional investment in this reflection my seem a little extreme to some readers, but to me it’s something I will need to refer back to many years from now to remind me that anything worth doing is worth doing at our best. All the best to all of you reading this article. One team, one family! ~Doc