What’s in a name? For some it’s an identity, for others a legacy. I never thought much of my family history until a very vivid experience in my recent journey to Israel. The lesson I learned from exploring the history of the Holocaust at Yad Vashem was who we are is the key ingredient as to what defines our humanity as a society.
Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.” ~George RR Martin
https://medium.com/@Credntia/20-inspiring-quotes-on-identity-e898a2c086d8
Our stories and our family history is more than we give credit to often times. The intricacies of past our past generations are key in shaping generations of the future. Remember this the next time a grandparent tells tale from the times of past. The staff at Yad Vashem, in Jerusalem, works tirelessly to identify the more than six-million Jews who were stripped of their identities and given numbers to strip their humanity away during World War II. It has motivated me to say the least to learn more about my own family history, and what choices of family members past were made to get me to where I am today.
Independent Research
In my last blog I wrote about my new initiative to learn about Attention Deficit Disorder. My son, Dominic, has been diagnosed with inattentive-ADD. My initial response to the news was dismissive to it being an issue. Shortly after our session, I began to think about the struggles I face in school when I was a young dreamer like my son.
The worst thing a parent can do is to imagine his or her child facing the same trauma. I’ve often felt like an outsider, like I would never measure up. I quit on myself more than most and took on unique life challenges, not because they would strengthen me, but because I thought they would change me into someone better. I don’t want my children to feel alone in this world, so I hit the books.
The most important read I completed was Scattered, by Dr. Gabor Maté, M.D. Maté suggests environment and genetic composition incites ADD in children and adults. He explains, as someone who also is ADD, that his condition was excited by being born into a Jewish family during the Holocaust. The trauma experienced amplified his ADD condition, and trauma, according to Maté, seems to be the key ingredient.
“We think that children act, whereas what they mostly do is react. Parents who realize this acquire a powerful tool. By noticing their own responses to the child, rather than fixating on the child’s responses to them, they free up tremendous energy for growth.” ~Dr. Gabor Maté, M.D.
Dr. Gabor Maté, M.D. (2016). Scattered: How Attention Deficit Disorder Originates and What You Can Do About It.
The Perfect Storm
To paraphrase Confucius, life is simple, it is us who makes it hard. When you’re a dual-military couple the idea of having children may seem like a difficult task, but when they arrive and you’re getting ready for your next deployment, things get real fast. Suddenly, your I can do everything myself mantra is out the window and your looking to cash in chips with everyone and anyone to help you get through the demands of life. My wife, Claudia, and I call it going into Supermom, or Superdad, modes, when one of us is managing the kids solo while the other is away on business.
The significance of these experience is not necessarily on adult surviving day-to-day, but on the children who are feeling the stress and anxiety imposed on them from a struggling single parent. Assigning blame is not the intent of this reflection, but a way to offer what I took away from the read. There is, however, a way to help our kids grow through this challenge, and the easiest way to define it is presence.
We have to be present in our children’s lives. Even if they try to get rid of us and push us away. There is a tiny voice deep inside a child with ADD that is saying … “please stick around.” I know going forward, my son, and daughter if she has ADD as well, will not have the easiest days in school. I know there is a potential for them to have major setbacks academically and I know they will have to often learn the hard way in a consequentialist fashion. However, I also know the best play I can make is to be the Virgil to their Dante (Dante’s Inferno), and guide them through each phase with the lessons I’ve learned over the years. We’re in this together and I look forward to the journey we will embark on as a family.
Post-Script
Congratulations to my brother from another mother, coach, and mentor, Mando Rosales Jr. for being one of the newest Tom Deblass Black Belts! Truly proud of your accomplishment, and proud to be a part of the Zen Martial Arts Family…
