Maybe it was time to think of happiness as something that I had gained and could never lose. It wasn’t something that I had to re-win over and over again.” ~Tom DeBlass, “How You Bear It”
I just finished Professor Tom DeBlass’ book, How You Bear It, and I’m glad I made it through this awesome piece of literature. It brought me back to growing up in the ’90’s, raised by a blue-collar family on the south-side of Chicago. By no means did I face trials or struggles comparable to DeBlass, however, when you pick your head and look around you can often find kids that came from broken homes. Kids that had to grow up way too fast and face adult consequences before they finished high school, if they did at all.
I had a great childhood, it made me who I am today, but there are experiences I remember I know I do not want my children to face themselves. My brother and I bounced around schools often, my parents divorced when I was seven and after that occurred we had the broken home experience. It was not abusive, or traumatic, but it leaves a mark on young children nonetheless. These memories do not linger when you’re on your own, making your way through life. However, when you build a family the aftermath of your childhood will surface impacting the way you choose to raise your own children.
I don’t think I’m better than anyone; I just like to prove to myself that things I imagine can be done.” ~Anderson Silva
The Plan
Claudia and I decided to wait until we were in a good place professionally before we had our children. As a matter of fact, we were married a little more than 10 years before we had our son, Dominic. Our rationale was to finish our personal and professional milestones before we had children because we couldn’t even begin to see how we could build a family and navigate through being military professionals, complete our post-graduate educations, or raise children while one of us was geographically located in another country.
Claudia was going to medical school on the U.S. military’s dime and I was active in my military career as well as pursuing a terminal degree. Dominic was born March 26, 2015 at 5 p.m. Claudia was in her last year of residency to become fully credentialed as a Family Medicine Physician in Texas; and I was in Kansas finishing up professional military education and my second master’s degree. Claudia called me the night before Dominic was born informing me he was on the way. I hopped in the car and drove 10 hours through the night to welcome my son as he entered the world. I pride myself on being there in person for the birth of both my children. After many years of service in the military I have learned it is a privilege and not a right in view of other service members experiences.
The Critics
If there is one piece of advice I would like to offer new parents it is to trust your instincts. There are a lot of individuals who have all the answers to your mountain of issues or concerns, but just remember that they are not in your fight. Parents, friends, professionals even may have the best advice in the world, but it may not be the best advice for you.
Claudia and I have learned this through choosing what feels right for our family in several occasions instead of what the experts may say. Being a parent can be a lonely road, especially when your ideals stray away from family norms. We do not spank, we co-sleep, we believe in vaccinations, and early intervention for Attention Deficit Disorder.
We are not perfect by no means, have made mistakes and have made our fair share of trips to the emergency room with our kids because life happens. This is also not an attempt to show that our way is the best way, but I will say that it is our way and the good or bad outcomes from our decisions stay with us. We do, however, show up.
Be willing to walk alone sometimes. Not everyone who started with you will finish with you. And that’s okay.” ~M. Scott Peck
The Lesson
The key theme I honed in on while reading How You Bear It was the importance of presence. There are days as a parent when you feel like the task mountain is going to topple over and crush you. From a foreign interdiction into the battle rhythm like a dental appointment for you kid or even an opportune meeting that creeps up on a routine ballet practice. Life does not stop coming at you when you are a parent. I like to think that it’s not about how much you have or where you go, but the amount quality time spent together is what matters. These moments will find you at the most unlikely times that’s why you have to show up day in and day out.
I arrived to my daughter, Brianna’s, ballet practice this past week and Claudia was waving me in the building, parents have to watch outside due to COVID restrictions. I was surprised and went over to see what was going on. My daughter was sitting on the bench outside of the ballet studio with a bloody nose. Dominic was in the car near the building and Claudia explained to me that Brianna fell down in practice face first. She asked if I wanted to stay with her or if she should as Dominic was still in the car.
I saw my daughter crying her eyes out, four-years-old with her first busted nose, I knew this was the place I had to be. I relieved Claudia of her duty comforting our little girl and applied pressure to her bloody nose. Brianna was sulking and hugging me to get the warmth kids know, should always know, they can find in their parents warm embrace. We sit and I assess her nose, the blood has dried up and I speak gently to her asking if she is okay. She responds in the affirmative, not showing her cards completely because she knows it may shorten her injury time with her Papi.
I ask her in a soft tone if she wants to leave, or, if she wants to stay and try to have fun with her friends dancing? She loves ballet, she dances her heart out at every practice and has cried the times it has been cancelled in the past for whatever reason. She thought that since she was bleeding and she fell she had to leave, like there was a game over since she got hurt. I told her you can stay and keep dancing, because you love dancing. I also told her that it is okay to fall, to get hurt and bleed, but it’s not okay to quit.
When you arise in the morning, think of what a privilege it is to be alive – to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.” ~Marcus Aurelius
I thought she was going to put up a fight and insist we leave, but kids are highly impressionable and they read like books. She knows getting hurt is a part of life. She’s fallen on the mats, or has been mauled by her brother and still continued to train. She’s seen me come home from practice with bumps and bruises only to go back the next time. Therefore, she knew it was okay to go back to ballet practice to keep dancing.
I cleaned her nose up a bit, and opened the door as she rose like gladiator getting ready to go back into the coliseum. To be honest, I was partially glad her first formal injury in practice was in ballet and not under my coaching, selfish relief, but I’ll take it. As she walked through the door there was another parent consoling her child who just took a spill. She looked up from her kneeling position and saw me walking behind Brianna telling her the infamous dad phrase, now walk it off daughter.
The mom gives me the typical maternal response to the rigid dad persona, a roll of the eyes like I was throwing my daughter in the deep end of the pool scarring her for life. There is a lesson here though, your kids have to know you to love and trust you. That’s the vicious lesson estranged, or geographically separated parents learn the hard way. Being present for the big occasions is good, but being there for routine hardships and formidable moments is what showing up as a parent truly means.
One team, one family! ~Doc