The road to your personal fortune is built on the trials and tribulations of your past. If you had a comfortable upbringing, you can be sure the future will test your metal if you want to achieve any sort of greatness. “You’re going to work now, or later, but you’re going to work,” to quote my father-in-law, Mario Becerril.
If you don’t know where you’ve come from, you don’t know where you’re going.” ~Maya Angelou
Inspiration
The motivation for this reflection comes from an amazing book I read which really hit home. “Sellout”, by Robert People, is a novel about two characters trying to find their ways through the politics and morals associated with growing up as a middle-school aged minority, and a young police officer in the early 2000’s in Baltimore, Maryland. Looking back at my upbringing, I was easily able to empathize with the characters, on both ends of the spectrum, along with the ethical dilemmas they faced.
I grew up in Chicago, Illinois and always had a plethora of family on my mom and dad’s side around for the majority of my upbringing. My dad was a police officer and my mother worked for the streets and sanitation department for the City of Chicago. Due to their employment, we had to live within the city limits. Most city employees take different courses of action to get their kids a leg-up in their academic careers. They either fork up the tuition for private schools, or, they move to high-income neighborhoods to get their kids in that prestigious areas school district.
My father started working with the Chicago Police Department when I was five-years old, that being said, I put a few years in the Chicago Public School system. I’m not trying to take a shot at the hometown educational institution, but I took away some interesting life-lessons during that experience. I diversified my vocabulary, learned a few lessons on ratios and how they were much more critical in the schoolyard, and that the fight must go on even if an educator is watching.
Looking Back
It’s surreal to look back at how I came to be where I’m at today. I believe a lot of it came from being comfortable being on my own. My parents divorced when I was seven and shortly after that, my brother and I went to live with my father. My brother was two-years old at the time and we were being brought up the majority of the time by several key players that helped this unorthodox machine stay on track. My aunt, my dad’s older sister, and her daughter, older than me by four or so years, watched my brother and I when my dad was at work, and we visited our mother every other weekend.
Continuous transition helps you embrace change, and it helps you learn independence at a young age. Family events, vacations, and routine visits can be awkward at a young age when you’re without a parental figure, which were familiar situations for me and my brother. It’s not uncommon for parents to hear how much more behaved their children are when they are not around. There is a good reason for this, Dr. Crystal Lee, PsyD, suggests children push the boundaries when their parents are around because they feel safe and secure. The benefits I reaped from my non-traditional upbringing was to learn how to adapt to my surrounding and troubleshoot instances that often required more emotional intelligence than usual as some sort of defense mechanism. Benefits do not come without many experiences of failed beta tests.
When someone continuously suppresses emotions they become a ticking time bomb. This is not where I go into a monologue of how I used to lose my resolve and beat the heck out of everyone who annoyed me. No, it’s way more subtle, but a lot more long term. Besides, I was a brawler, but most of the time I proved I could take a beating more than give one more often than not growing up. Trusting others is anything but easy for me, and I am often content with one or two friends to confide in at a given moment, but the most interesting character trait of this Nomad used to be an enduring unwillingness to forgive. If we crossed at any point in less than positive manner, I would never forget it. I say all this because it was the me I used to be before I became a father. Taking on the parental role helped me to truly understand what I was put on this earth to do… be a good example for the two miracles bestowed upon me and show them what right looks like.
Parenting
These kids don’t come with a manual, couldn’t be more true of a statement. There are a lot of references and reading material out there, but in reality there’s an intuition you gain as a parent when you’re involved in your child’s life. I am probably the most unread parent on the planet, I prefer YouTube, on child rearing. I credit my continuous objection to the status quo to the way my parents raised my brother and I. Nothing was ever taken at face value, and everyone was a suspect.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents to death and I credit them both for my successes. Their decisions, albeit right or wrong, during my upbringing got me and my brother where we are today… not too shabby if I do say so myself. Their grit, and sometimes confrontational demeanor, have given me the confidence to push back when I think my children’s best interests are not being prioritized. I like to say my mother taught me unconditional love, and my father is my voice of reason who gives me the honest assessment which transcends the friend-type, “Sounds Great”, advice category.
Case Study
Claudia and I put Dominic in school here in El Paso, Texas, which offered full-time Pre-Kindergarten class. We thought is would be good for him, especially since it was a bilingual program. Several incidences occurred in the first month which raised red flags for Claudia. The problem was the school did not separate the older children from the younger children in the morning, which resulted in Dominic getting hurt playing with the older kids. Another red flag was when my son began coming home with scratches because he an another child in his class were playing too rough. I addressed my concerns with his teacher, vice-principal, and principal to no confidence my son’s environment was going to get any better. The last straw was when Dominic began grinding his teeth at night, a behavior often associated with anxiety. That was it!
We transferred Dominic to another school on the military installation we’re currently stationed at now and we noticed a drastic change in Dominic’s personality. I bright, happy-go-lucky, fun-loving little guy was back! He liked his school, he was making friends, and he wasn’t getting hurt anymore. This event showed Claudia and I that it was okay to trust your gut. The several times I sat in the school office to address my issues with the staff, I noticed several other parents and family members getting talked down to by the faculty as they continued to minimize their concerns. Sorry, but not sorry… that school was not a good fit for my son, and it was time for change.
Setting Conditions
Our kids continue to grow into their own unique personalities, which Claudia and I encourage. We embraced the idea that we must love each of our kids uniquely to love them equally. We will always do our best to set them up for success academically, financially, and emotionally to ensure they are ready for the challenges life will throw at them in their futures.
The common denominator for each of them, however, is they are both required to practice martial arts. Both Dominic and Brianna started training jiu-jitsu at the age of three. Dominic has been training for two years and Brianna recently began her journey after her birthday in April of this year. No, I do not expect them to be phenoms and travelling the world to compete at the highest levels. Claudia and I agreed putting them in jiu-jitsu will teach them physically, learn sportsmanship, give them confidence and discipline, and help them learn self-defense to reduce the risk of being bullied throughout their lives. Our expectations from our kids are simple, show up and stay on the mat. Whatever else occurs after meeting those two objectives is irrelevant because they are kids.
Recap
When I meditate on long runs, or sit back and think about my life I can truly say I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. Not because of material or status, but because my family is happy and continues to grow holistically. I followed the Blue Print my parents have given me, created from their successes and more importantly their mistakes, and it has payed off for me and the ones I love. Your job as a parent is to set conditions for your children to surpass you to find their happiness. Your job as a child is to honor your parents by accomplishing your goals, proving their hard work and sacrifices were not in vein. One team, one family!
References:
Angelou, Maya. Maya Angelou: Poems. New York: Bantam, 1993.
Cahn, Lauren. “Here’s Why Kids Behave So Much Worse Around Their Parents.” Reader’s Digest. Reader’s Digest, November 19, 2019. https://www.rd.com/article/why-kids-behave-worse-around-their-parents/.
People, Robert. Sellout. Columbia, SC: Self Publish, 2020.